As I am still struggling to make San Jose my permanent home, my life has been full of uncertainty. This is not to say it is tragic (yet), but when one takes a huge leap of faith, it’s like a roller coaster – even if it is exciting, one can still have moments of great anxiety. When I’m on a roller coaster, I sometimes briefly wonder if I’m on the only defective seat in the park, or something will snap, or any other of little paranoia’s that can assault the mind when it is out of its comfort zone.
I cannot life, my wife and I have our down moments in this awkward middle age journey. What if the naysayers turn out to be correct? Is it too late? What if this is all for naught? I am fearful crawling back to PA at this point would break my spirit. But still, I smile now more than I used to. Every day, without fail the last six months has been an adventure. I feel alive at almost all times. True, I feel lonely for my friends and family, my old house, my pets. I am a gregarious person, and the fishbowl isolation of coming to a new area with few very close friends and no permanent employment can bring my a tad of stir crazy.
Howeve, this is balanced by the many times I am elated that I now live in such a beautiful area full of such interesting and multi-culturalism. The land itself is so varied and beautiful, it’s like being able to see whole spans of continents within a few hours drive. (I now know, as I have driven the U.S. twice now). It’s been everything I could possibly want. I am in love with this land, this place. Sometimes I can almost feel its has a persona. I want this land, this city to love me back. I want to participate in its society by working, contributing my art and my wits to make it a better place. Just as I feel it is making me a better person, I want to give some of that back.
I sometimes feel like I am watching my own movie of myself and my wife. And I want us to win. Don’t most of us want the underdogs to win? Winning for me at the moment is stability, jobs. Finding the sweet spot that allows me to at least break even so we can stay and reap the benefits of this lovely place. To that effect, it has been a daily search. To find someone who can allow me to work here, preferably as a graphic designer. But truthfully, I have reached a concordance, a synergy. What it really comes down to is having a purpose in my life. I know what I want to do now. I want to somehow, in some capacity, to serve others, to please them. It can be in a multitude of ways, I realize, both large and small. If I can help someone laugh, or give them satisfaction through my art, I am happy. If I can help them through the efforts of my current and future training of giving them financial advice, maybe giving them a shot at a better retirement, that would also give me satisfaction.
Maybe I have been living my life a little askew. I heard a great quote the other day. “Don’t live your life competitively, live it creatively”. I’m starting to think more and more that the soul of an artist can be expressed in many ways. I used to think it was just “art” (music, dance, painting, etc). But I am starting to think that art is just one facet of the spark of creativity. Creativity is a larger phenomena that that. Being creative is a state of mind that can be expressed through almost anything the mind can conjure. Creativity to me at least, is the capacity to look stagnation and defeat in the eye, and ignore our fears for the chance of something greater, more pertinent to the human condition. It’s my belief that if we can do this we can take the heavy brick that weighs heavily in our hearts and give it wings.