I suppose now that I should bring up that I have had a series of interviews with a company whom I find, very, very interesting. It practically screams me from what I have done in my previous employment (large format printing, production art, graphic design, high learning curve, minor management). I won’t give the company name out yet, because I almost have the feeling I will jinx myself into not getting the job. But I will say I have had 2 telephone interviews, and I have had 2 in-person interviews. I liked the people there. They are a small group but with very high profile clients. They asked if I would want to take more responsibility than originally offered. And anyone that has read this blog knows I am all about learning and personal growth. I said a resounding “yes” to all of the questions! And I meant it from the deepest level of my being! To be able to throw myself into a steep learning curve, to go full throttle into something I know I could do, to prove myself, forgive my terse language, but “hell yeah!!!!!!”
Each of my interviews went well, I think. I spoke to marketing and production managers in person for over an hour in my first interview, and I spoke with the owner for almost an hour during the second interview. I felt good when I left the first interview (I was told I would be called back for a second interveiw). I felt great when I left my second interview – for about 30 seconds. Then I felt really like crap. I want this job so badly. But I have been let down before. The close calls my wife and I have endured out here has been maddening. At least 3 times we almost averted disaster, only to not get jobs.
This could be our Hail Mary pass. To be in this kind of company, at close to the ground floor, with (what I think) are some very interesting and educated people in their field…as well as the potential learning, and later on advancement possibilities….argh. Inside at times, my heart races and my mind paces over what I said right and what I said wrong. I think I said 95% right. It’s the 5% wrong that bothers me. I didn’t say anything horrible (I think). But I did bring up some of the owners concerns from a previous interview. One of them was his concern I was over-qualified and would jump ship for someone else eventually.
I told him why I wouldn’t for logical reasons. I also conveyed a lot of enthusiasm. But how can one let people know, really know earnestness? I sometimes wish people could just see inside my mind and know what the measure of me and my wife really is.
But I can’t. How do they know that I can just about out-work anyone I have come across? That I regularly worked 70 hour work weeks for months at a time when we were overloaded with work? That I once pulled a 38 hour shift to finish what needed to be done because everyone else went on vacation and I stayed for the company? That I wrote my own training manuals to help people, that I would stay and help people so they wouldn’t be abandoned like others would abandon me on my shifts? That I almost never wired out – I believe a smile is worth a mile of bad attitude? Ok….time to get down from my soapbox…..this just drives me nuts.
The owner told me he would get back to me either way. If I get the job, my wife and I will be jumping up and down. We may even cry for joy. We live to fight another day! But…..I just get a sick feeling in my stomach. Daring to dream, and then having the dream tossed aside and failing hurts. I try not to take it personally, but how can I not? Intellectually, I know “it’s just business”. But in my heart being rejected for employment feels close to being the last kid being picked for kickball, and the captains are arguing over who has to take you. And I love this area, this land, this cross culture piece of coolness called the Bay with all my heart. I am trying hard to not feel shunned. But I am in love with it all. When you are in passionate love with someone or something, passions can run very high.
If I don’t get the job, this is what will happen – internally, I will be very upset. I will mope for about an hour or two, especially inside. I’ll probably lay down for about an hour, and just be alone with my thoughts. But soon I will get up again – no use upsetting my wife more than necessary, and really, laying around accomplishes nothing. My wife and I will spend a few hours on a drive or walk or something to get out of our funk from the loss. Then I will look for more jobs, hour upon hour upon hour until I find one or the clock runs out in another month or two. After all, all you can do is all you can do. You can only work with the weapons you have. The only real weapon I have is persistence. The only armor I have is hope.