I like to think about the process of thinking. Specifically my thinking (since it is really the only thinking I can properly study at a whim).
When I was young, I privately held the belief that I was a genius. Yep, I would show them all. Just watch me go! As I got older though, life had a way of showing me that I wasn’t all I thought I was. Through the slow grinding of work and life, and later through meeting very interesting and unique people, I scaled back my ego and grandiose assumptions.
Now, in the later middle of my life, I have come to I think an adequate term for my thought processes. nearly clever.
That’s it, what I can muster. Basically, I can see clever from the ground, looking up. I can almost taste it. For brief moments, I can even attain pseudo cleverness. But it doesn’t last long.
The downfall of my lack of true cleverness has to due with (for lack of a better term), brain processing speed. I have, by my estimation, a fairly wide breadth of information in my mind. But the access speed is a bit sub par. Oh I can follow along, I can come to rather intelligent conclusions. But I would like my mind to access that knowledge more quickly.
If I can but retreat for a time, I can muster and construct something of substance that seems on par with those that are of clever mindsets.
I try to think, what makes these others so quick and agile in the mind? Is it genetics? Do clever and genius level people look at me and others much the same way that us nearly clever look at slower minded folk?
Is it background? I see many clever people are the sons and daughters of engineers, doctors, and lawyers at Google. The have had wonderful lives by age 25 that I will never have. The best tutors, schools, opportunities of travel, all may help form them into what they have become.
It could be these factors. And yet, part of me refuses, refuses to believe that I cannot reach the heights of sustained cleverness. At my age I should be slowing down. But I am trying harder than ever. I am learning. But again my mind processing speed cannot compete with the clever. I have to work extra so I can be as clever as I can be. And I acquit myself well. But only with hard-nosed work ethic. Others (perhaps through youth or genetics or background I mentioned above) grasp the concepts quickly. And I smell ozone in my brain whilst my slightly gunked up brain spikes to attain the epiphanies I receive.
So I will continue to struggle, to make the best of my genetic and social situation. And make a wish, that someday, I will be truly clever. I hope those who have a surplus of brain cells will root for me.