As time goes on in my quest for this new life, I find myself struggling to attain a level of balance in my life. Life out here is about pushing oneself to be the best person you can be. And while I do feel I am doing that (my Google job is coming along, I am producing art again for the first time in years), there are still elements that are missing. I have for instance, a very loyal and loving wife. We try to find time for each other, but I am starting to feel a disconnect merely by working long hours and different schedules. Also, I am in the worst physical shape of my life. I know I cannot keep up the being physically inactive and a terrible diet forever. I feel wedged however in my work live since I think the only way I can truly keep my own amongst my better trained peers is by severe amounts of hard work and dependability. It seems I am esteemed by my fellows. I still believe myself to be a bit of a paper tiger though. Oddly, I have been honest about my shortcomings when possible, but no one seems to believe it. Strange. I cannot help but think on some level that although I am doing will with my team now, it can turn at any time through a slip up or act of indolence. Or perhaps it is me. I continue to work on being better.
And the art is doing well – I am finally an artist again! That is something else! I am overjoyed by that. However 55-60 hours at work +20 hours art doesn’t leave much time for anything else. I also am reading off and on, 3 books (one on the Presidents, another on 10 dimensional physics and another on Tolkien as a philogist). And I squeeze in about 30 minutes of guitar a day. So, I do have positives in my life.
On to the negatives. I can’t sleep very well. I sleep lightly, and when I wake up, I sort of twitch myself awake, as I am worried about finances and my job. I also fret about the shape I am in. I eat a lot, and choose awful foods overall. I do not exercise at all. This is sad, as once I was in terrific shape just about 3 years ago (I could run 12 miles a day and lift weights afterwards). Of course, that leads to its own kind of burnout. There was little time for artwork or reading…..
I confess, I want it all. But it’s balance. Balance! It is frustrating. I know what needs to be done. Harder than it seems though. Or is it? I know, that once I make up my mind I can do what needs to be done. So I suppose it is more a matter of when and how I make my decision. Experience in the last year has shown me that when the time is right, I’ll be able to make the correct decisions. Time though, time! For want of a better word, I feel like crap. No major health problems, just fatigue. And a bit of nerves and light insomnia. Although I probably haven’t slept like a rock overall for probably 20 years.
When, how, and how much? The questions of my physical well being are being pushed up against survival in the workplace, financial, relationships and artistic sensibilities. Time is not on my side.