It has been a long time since I posted. My reasons for the most part are that I was promoted into another job description, and was moved to another division in my workplace, which involved yet another huge learning curve for me. I work there around 11-12 hours a day learning and doing what I feel needs done. Through much effort I am now a solid if not star player, although I do have my specialities. First I have discovered that I like people. I really do. I like making them feel comfortable, I like educating them and helping them smile through a long day. If I could do that more and worry less about the tech aspect, I would be fine with that. It comes natural to me. Tech/IT does not, but it is currently the means by which I help people, what I am contracted for. I have too much pride to be mediocre at it. So I learn. I am lucky enough to have some intelligence that allows me to learn what I need to, although I’ve often remarked its more a struggle for me given my proclivities towards the artistic side of things. I’m an artist and historian trying to fit his round hole mind into a square peg system, and its not always a pretty combination. But I am getting better at it. The benefits of struggling a bit allows me to keep my empathy towards my clients – I don’t talk to them in techno-garble speak but I also don’t treat them like idiots either. Because they aren’t. They are Googlers for goodness sakes, and quite a group of smart cookies.
I have found though, thank goodness Googlers, while bright and congenenial are human. While most are either skilled engineers and marketing geniuses, I do have my strengths that they do not share. This is not to denigrate them, but rather to allow me the shell of some pride so I am not longer so intimidated. Thank goodness. The first 6 months to a year I felt like I had the IQ of a slug compared to some of them. And perhaps I do. But I need to tell myself at least some sort of lie to carry through and work through it all. Sometimes layered lies to ourselves, when used judiciously can give us the bridge to make things true later on.
Speaking of which – on to my art and some theory. I have been busily sketching the last few weeks, writing down snippets of song and poetry, and the like. I feel like I am on to something, something that needed to gel in my mind for a while. This process was no doubt retarded yet again by my making a living, but we do what we can when we can.
I have been thinking about the many worlds theory in physics, and how it’s allowing me to carry on in my art when before I struggled. How can I explain how this is helping me? I’ll just dive into it, however clumsily it may sound. I am an artist. But I’m also a hard-core atheist. This means that although I believe strongly in certain things in my heart (the goodness of human beings, their capacity for love and the scientific method, the wonder of the world around me), there are other things I do not. Like the supernatural, deities, and the like.
But I have found myself in quite a pickle over the years, one that would lead me to a bit of despair. I absolutely love the idea of magic, of the supernatural, of things that do not exist in our world. I love the pageantry, the interesting costumes, the ritual, the art and music. And although I am moved on one level (the craft of it, the emotional element), my intellectual side cannot abide it. I am many times of two minds.
Now I could take the route of some artists who are atheist, and describe the world around me, the reality of it all, and its beauty. The problem is for me, scientists do that in many ways. Also I do not want to parrot a photograph. I want the feeling of creation, that I am making something up inside me that I can share with others as I in a sense exorcise it from my mind and lay it bare before an audience. And yet I have always wondered…what is the meaning of my art? Mere artifice?
So, we come back to the the many worlds theory. Basically in physics, there is a theory that deals with time and dimensions. As you read about each dimension, it builds in complexity until you innumerable alternate dimensions with different versions of yourself and everybody. Time is different, energy, everything. It is very cool, and bery mathematical. But what I take from this information is there are places, just out of reach that have what could be called magic, powerful beings, monsters, spaceships, unusual geometries, versions of me and you that are older, younger, different races, genders, ages, or even don’t exist. Infinite. This intrigues me to a huge degree because it could be true. I like things that are true.
I many times don’t necessarily like to call myself an artist. That is part of what I do, but really what I am is a storyteller. Right now I am telling you my thoughts, my story. But I want to tell other stories too. I sometimes have felt that just drawing or making up things of people that don’t exist or magical things isn’t worth it – because its hollow. pen on paper. It’s artifice. I cannot lay claim to supernatural knowledge or some other secret power as some can. I’m entirely scientific minded in my outlook. And yet, things inside me move me. I feel emotion. I feel like my muse (what I call the part of my creative side that pulls me through to make me do art instead of giving up) has something to say. It desires universal truths to be told. Sometimes its figurative, sometimes its words, sometimes its abstract. How do I consolidate this? An artist, in a sense has to make their art real to them before it can become real to those that look upon it. As a person, I am a skeptic, a non-believer in myth and lore. As an artist I specialize in it.
I find that the many worlds theory allows me to make my art, and believe in it. Because if its true, or part of it is, I can tell the truth. Somewhere out there, in essence, I am telling the story of someone or something that existed. Of energy that is out there in the form I give it. And it doesn’t need to be perfect. Because nothing is. If I tell the story, and even if it is flawed, somewhere out there, so is the story I narrate, so that’s ok. Just do the best I can at any moment, and that’s all that is needed. I can tell the story from my own point of view, which is unlike any others at this place, this universe, this point in time.
I will admit, this whole postulation may be a falsity. But it makes sense to both my intellect and my artistic soul. And in order for me to be whole and carry on, the two must work in tandem so I can work on my many stories and universes. And hopefully as I cultivate that believe, I can soon bring you along. And you’ll enjoy what I do, be it patterns, designs, poetry, songs, stories, illustrations, comics and voices. If I am lucky, I may even be able to move some of you to wonder – to become a bit speechless, to smile or feel tears of joy or sadness of the characters that might existed in other times and places. I will be doing all of these things at one point or another, unwrapping the whole mess and finding the pattern in it if I can.