It has been a long time since I have updated this blog. I have learned a lot, and things are going well. My quest to stay in California has gone well. I have been promoted twice at my job, and have learned my strengths (I love helping people), and been working on my weaknesses (working in a tech profession with no prior training had and still has a huge learning curve). I have, through it all, embraced a workaholic attitude that has allowed me to survive, and then thrive with what I do. My wife is also doing well in her career. So in many ways, we have succeeded past those first steps in our brave new world.
And yet, while I am happier than I ever was back east (or as I call it, the Old Country), I still find my life lacking in some ways. I sacrificed my overall health and free time (at first my necessity, now by habit), and I am a chubby dude nowadays, which is still strange since I was once very athletic. Also, bearing more to this blog, my art suffered greatly.
As an artist, if you don’t do art in some way, it comes out in other outlets. In random scribbles. In jokes, and writings and emails. It needs a way out. This can only serve as more like a pressure release, with no direction to it, evaporating into the wind. Now, after such a long time of no direction, I come face to face with the exasperation and fear of trying to create art. It’s like taking a great leap into a chasm. Looking at the chasm brings forth excitement, wonderment, and fear. And if I don’t leap, ultimately disappointment.
The fear of being an artist is sometimes not the fear of can you do the art (though in the beginning that happens after a long hiatus). It’s what may happen if you dedicate yourself to this practice, this craft, this euphoric witchery when it overtakes you. You feel alive, and being alive, truly alive is exciting and scary. Creating art at its finest sweeps you into something you aren’t quite sure you have control of. It’s like you are steering a ship, but the winds of your mind, if you are brave enough to follow, will take you places you never thought possible. And it’s fun. You lose sleep, your heart and mind run like crazy when you try to sleep. Its like you are caught in a great fire that is your spirit raging and lighting your synapses. It makes you young again, that fire. And so, whenever I draw again, I have to ask myself, do I want that? And I must say: Burn baby. Burn.